Summary
Mis-sent letters about our sexual activities sent to my grandmother by mistake, created a verbal firestorm, especially with my father and Jamie. This put my budding romance at great risk until my mother stepped in.
Background
I finally made it to college, where I could see Jamie every weekend, and I was away from the craziness at home, especially from my father. It seemed to me like a recipe for complete happiness. I was on my own and completely free. It was as wonderful as I hoped it would be.
Shortly after I arrived at Wells college, Jamie gave me his fraternity pin. Being pinned was considered a prequel to getting married. We were serious, and I was excited to show it off. But freshmen at Wells had to wear a cloth identification sign around their necks for the first six weeks of the school year, so nobody could see my pin. When the time was up, I went to my psychology class, a sophomore class that I had requested special permission to attend. My professor said in front of everybody, “Aren’t you a little young to be pinned?” I could have gone through the floor; I was so embarrassed. Still I was committed to Jamie; I knew that I wasn’t too young.
On weekends Jamie and I managed to spend a lot of time alone, sometimes in his car, sometimes in a “date room” at my school. Jamie, with my agreement, decided it was time for us to engage in some sexual exploration. I trusted Jamie, but this activity always made me nervous. I didn’t know what my problem was. I just knew that I was uncomfortable until the activity ended. We started trying to talk through some of my issues, and I wrote him a few times about it.
A Sudden Problem
In mid-November of my first year at college, Jamie called me in a panic. He had opened a letter from me that began “Dear Grandmommy.” I had switched the envelopes. My father’s mother had received the letter that I had intended for Jamie, a letter describing our sexual activities and my insecurities in detail. Jamie, mortified, predicted that these letters would create a firestorm of recrimination.
“Please don’t worry about my grandmother,” I said, as I tried to calm Jamie down. “The mistake has already been made, and there isn’t any way to undo it.” I had high hopes that nothing would happen. Jamie was not convinced.
My confidence that all would blow over was reinforced when my grandmother returned the original “Dear Jamie” letter that she had received, noting that she had not read it. I wrote Jamie immediately and remarked, “Wasn’t that fabulous!”
But I was naïve to believe her.
The Problem Comes to a Head and the “Firestorm” prediction comes true.
When I went home for Thanksgiving, I drove with my father and sister to my grandmother’s house in New Jersey. While there, I woke up one night and heard my father and grandmother come into my bedroom. I watched them take Jamie’s fraternity pin from the top of the dresser. It made me angry, but I said nothing. The truth is that I felt powerless with those two aligned against me. I had no idea what to do, but I truly believed that they would ignore anything I said.
Looking back, it is not only clear that my grandmother had lied to me about the letter, but she had gotten my father upset as well. Still, neither of them approached me or said anything to me about the contents of the letter or their concerns. Nor did they ask me about my concerns. It turned out that their only idea was to remove Jamie—the culprit–from the picture!
Later a friend asked me if the letter mistakenly sent to my grandmother might have been a cry for help on my part because of the sexual issues. I assured her that my grandmother and I were not at all close, and I never would have appealed to her under any circumstances.
My Father Loses It
On our way back home to the Schenectady area, my father made an unannounced detour, stopping at Jamie’s home in Bronxville, during which he returned Jamie’s fraternity pin. My father and Jamie’s mother got into a shouting match on the sidewalk in front of their house. He accused Jamie of taking unwanted liberties with me.
I remember his mom telling my dad, “It takes two to tango!”
I was forbidden to see Jamie anymore. My father went so far as to contact the Dean at my college. He requested that Jamie be banned from the campus, which the college was not set up to do – nor did the school see it as their role. Jamie kept repeating, “firestorm, firestorm, firestorm”
Then he wrote Jamie a threatening letter. I still have the original. Remember, as you read this, that this letter is written by the same man who sexually abused me.
“Of all the s.o.b.’s on Earth, the lowest louse is the seducer of young virgins. Young girls do not know how to handle their own emotions, therefore it is up to their men friendships to protect them, against themselves, if necessary. Fortunately there are laws in this State to protect young girls. You know, I am sure, that you are laying yourself open to a possible life-term in prison by associating with Susan, you yourself, being 19 are an adult. I have instructed the authorities at [Susan’s} college that you are not allowed to see Susan or communicate with her. If you try to, you will be arrested.” (Emphases added.)
My Mother Intervenes to stop this firestorm
A couple of days later, my father sent a second long letter to Jamie apologizing for the initial one. I suspect that second one was a result of my mother’s fury at the whole incident.
I was upset and depressed by these events. I had no idea how to undo the very real damage done by my father, or how to restore my relationship with Jamie, which was important to me.
A day or so after the blowup, while I was still at home, my mother asked me, out of the blue, “Would you like me to go to Rochester to see Jamie (who was back at school), to tell him that everything will be all right?” I was amazed. “You would do that?” I asked. True to her word, within a few days, she drove there—about 140 miles—and basically told Jamie, who was disconsolate, not to worry and that things would calm down.
My mom was a lifesaver! She always liked Jamie, which certainly helped. In some ways, my mom seemed to have parented me much more than she did my brother and sister. I mean like her driving all that way to Jamie’s school to console him. Maybe it was because of Jamie, who was a favorite, or maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was docile. My sister was more of a fighter.
My mom and I certainly had our issues over the years, but she and I ended up friends. Once I realized that she was afraid of my father, I was able to understand her behavior better. And I eventually forgave her for the ways she failed me. I was always grateful for our friendship.
After my mom’s trip to Rochester, things did calm down. Still, I was always wary of my father. His behavior was completely irrational at times. I think he must have been very jealous of Jamie.
Further Reading
This episode from my life is just one of numerous episodes I experienced throughout much of my adult life dictated by the unrecognized effects from the sexual abuse I suffered when I was only eleven. The earlier abuse is described in my first blog: https://child-sexual-abuse.com/becoming-a-victim-of-incest/ or, alternatively you can view all of my posted blogs at https://child-sexual-abuse.com/
The story of my life is chronicled in my book: Demons Hidden Within. The book, written under my pen name, Susan Montgomery, is available from my publisher, Robert D. Reed Publishers, Brandon, OR, or from numerous book distributors. Also, you can visit my website at: https://demonshidden.com/