Our Romance

Early Summers

This is a story about my romance with Jamie that has lasted for decades. The summer when I

was fourteen, Jamie and I spent time together but not to the exclusion of the others. He was

sixteen, so his parents would let him take their Chris Craft boat out, and he would often give

me a ride in it. We would go to Lake George Village or up the lake, just so we could steal a

little time alone, but only occasionally. We were encouraged to spend time with the

other kids.

On Labor Day that summer, Jamie and I were on his dock late in the afternoon. It was warm,

and we were still in our bathing suits. Suddenly, without warning, Jamie kissed me on the cheek.

Then he pushed me in the water. I was immensely pleased and surprised, but I wondered if he

was embarrassed by the kiss, the very first.

Photos of our romance — Jamie’s first photo of me – way before our impending romance.

A Separated Romance

I didn’t want the summer to end, because he and I lived about 150 miles apart during the

school year. But Jamie and I wrote to each other during this time. We talked about our classes,

the World Series, and what songs were popular in our area. It was typical teenage talk, but our

budding romance helped us get through high school. Having a boyfriend certainly took the

pressure off me as far as dating, and the fact Jamie lived near New York City only added to the

mystique. I remember announcing to my tenth-grade biology teacher I knew who I was going to

marry. She told me I would change my mind. “No, I won’t,” I told her. I knew I had found

someone with whom I felt safe, someone who would not judge me for my family’s problems or

their effect on me.

Brief times together

Jamie even took the train to see me during the winter. I loved in-between visits like this. They

felt like a gift. When it was time for him to leave, we would go to the railroad station where there

was an embossing machine, which made metal medallions with words on them. We would write

things like “Jamie and Susan forever.” We still have some of them. Once, my father drove Jamie

and me to the train station instead of my mom. I wanted to kiss Jamie goodbye, but as I

approached him, he kept backing away with a big smile on his face. I could see it was a game.

He thought it was funny, but on the way home, my father gave me a lecture about not chasing

boys. I heard him, but I had stopped listening to him seriously, due to his earlier actions.

On my fifteenth birthday, my mother and I took a train to NYC to meet Jamie and his mom

for lunch. We had tickets to see George Bernard Shaw’s play “Saint Joan” on Broadway. Jamie

and I held hands during the play, while my mother continually whispered, “Stop holding hands.”

Jamie’s mom whispered back to her, “Be quiet; leave them alone.” Jamie and I smiled at this and

ignored my mother. We felt such joy at seeing one another again. I remember how excited I was

to see Jamie; I appreciated my mother making it possible.

Although my mom didn’t like public displays of affection, she actually got a lot of pleasure

out of Jamie’s and my romance. She always liked him and did what she could to help us see one

another. She sent mixed signals, though. There were times when Jamie and I were getting along

fine she would tell me, “There are many fish in the sea.” But other times, when Jamie and I were

at odds, she would say, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” Despite this, she still

made sure I could see Jamie.

A summer romance continues and blossoms

When Jamie and I were old enough to get summer jobs, we both worked, which was fine

when my mom was there. But the weekend nights were difficult. With my mother gone, my

brother and sister had jobs elsewhere so my father and I were alone. My mom would always tell

me not to leave my father alone. I felt like I was held responsible for his emotional well-being. I

understand this situation is known as “parentification.”

Jamie came over with his guitar most nights and serenaded me. He was my protector. He and

I always sat on the steps right outside the living room where my father would be reading, so I

wasn’t leaving him alone. I used to love those evenings. Jamie left at bedtime, but I think the fact

Jamie was next door protected me even after he left. Throughout the year I would just want to be

with Jamie, who would make me feel safe and cared for.

Visiting Jamie by myself

During Jamie’s first year at the University of Rochester he invited me to his school’s Fall

Weekend event. I was amazed my parents let me go; I assume it was because I would be staying

in the women’s dorm. The idea of a college weekend with Jamie—with no parents

around—thrilled me. I took the train to Rochester on Friday afternoon. The weekend flew by in a

busy flurry. He was a pledge of a well-known national fraternity, so on Saturday we worked with

some of the other pledges on a float for the football parade. In the afternoon we went to the game

and then out to dinner before heading to the Fall dance.

The Rochester girls had to be back in the dorm by 3 a.m. At the designated time I went to the

front desk and said my boyfriend and I would like to sit downstairs and talk some more, but the

lady in charge snapped, “uh-uh. He goes home now.” All I remember about the rest of the night

was that Jamie’s friend Sue, where I was staying, served herself, her roommate, and me sake, a

Japanese wine that was god-awful. I couldn’t drink it, but I got a kick out of being considered

one of the big girls.

Thinking about college

I couldn’t wait until I could go to college after this. When I decided on a school, it was Wells

College on Cayuga Lake. It was as close to Rochester as my parents would allow me, but by his

second year Jamie had a car, so he drove to Wells to see me almost every weekend.

A passage from one of my favorite books by renowned psychologist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk,

really speaks to me. He talks about the inner maps we all form when young about what is safe

and what is dangerous. The maps are based on our experiences with our earliest caregivers. van

der Kolk says our maps can be modified later in life. This can happen, for instance, because of a

“deep love relationship, particularly during adolescence when the brain . . . goes through a period

of exponential change [which] truly can transform us.”

I think my romance with Jamie was what allowed me to be so happy during my high school

years. When I was studying or talking to my friends, my father’s continued abusive behavior

seemed far away, and I suspect it was Jamie’s love, which made the rest of it seem so much less

important. In college, I saw Jamie most weekends; but I remember even then that I wanted to see him

more often. What I needed was the daily contact that comes from sharing a life and sharing a

home.

Our Romance becomes marriage

I am not exactly certain why we made the decision to marry when we did. Jamie never

proposed; it was just understood that we would be together. We often talked about 1960 as the

year we would do it, when I had finished two years of college, and Jamie had finished three. A

few years before our wedding we even made a medallion on an embossing machine at the

Schenectady railroad station that printed our names plus the date, May 29, 1960. We didn’t have

a plan to get married that day; we just picked a date and made the medallion for fun.

We went through a formal engagement during my spring break of my sophomore year, and

Jamie’s parents came up to be with us. I still remember his mom coming through our front door,

saying as she greeted me, “I hope that you like the ring.” It was an old family ring, but the

diamonds had been reset in a Tiffany setting. There is a central diamond, and diamond chips

circling the center, giving it the appearance of a flower. I loved it instantly.

When I returned to Wells, people were very interested in the ring and in our wedding plans.

The Dean even called me in for a chat. She happened to have been in Schenectady over the break

and had seen the engagement announcement in the paper. She sat me down and asked, “However

did you get your parents to allow this engagement?” I thought about my father’s letter to her a

year earlier about keeping Jamie and me apart, and I wanted to laugh. I was at a loss as to what

to say. It would have taken me a week to explain my parents to her, even had I felt up to the task.

I elected instead to answer nonchalantly, “Oh, they were very happy,” which did not make her

any wiser but may have reminded her of the extremely strange ways of some people.

My Wells friends gave me a shower before I left that May, and I went out and bought my

wedding dress. It was a lovely gown of embroidered nylon over taffeta, with a fitted bodice and a

bouffant skirt with several tiers in the back. I thought that it was beautiful, and I felt beautiful in

it!

Getting ready for the marriage

The next couple of months were a whirlwind of activity, notifying bridesmaids and

purchasing their dresses, made of pale yellow or pale green organza with a deeper-colored sash.

There were several more showers, one given by Jamie’s sisters, and another one I remember

particularly because of the rum punch. The drink was made by pouring rum over lime sherbet,

which was delicious. My sister Ann certainly enjoyed it. I don’t know how many glasses she

drank, but she was feeling exceptionally good by the end of the party.

The wedding

Our wedding was in mid-July. It was a beautiful day. I was very nervous in the back of the

church before I walked down the aisle. My brother was an usher, and I squeezed his hand tightly.

I heard later that my grandmother in the front row was muttering “rats, rats, rats” during the

service. It was a good thing that I didn’t hear her, or I would have gone down to her seat and

suggested that she leave if she was unhappy. But now I’m not actually sure what she meant.

Ann told me recently that what had upset my grandmother was the word “obey” in the

wedding service when the woman promises “to love, honor, and obey” her husband. I was so

focused on getting married that I paid scant attention to the wording. I know that there are plenty

of young women today, my daughters included, who are adamant about removing the word

“obey” from the service.

The reception and honeymoon

We had a short reception, at which I was so busy greeting people—and so excited—that I

didn’t have much time to eat. Jamie’s best man, who was at least 6’7”, and I, in my wedding

dress, ended up doing the Charleston. It seemed just a few minutes before it was time to head

upstairs and dress. Jamie and I were headed to Hyannis, Massachusetts, so that we could take the

ferry boat to Nantucket Island in the morning. Prior to our wedding, the ferry boat company had

been hit by a strike from its workers. Most vacationers had simply canceled their reservations, so

Jamie and I ended up being the only people staying at our hotel on Nantucket. Our room had two

single beds, and we tied them together as best we could. We spent an idyllic week there on the

beaches, with no responsibility except to enjoy ourselves. I, at last, felt completely free to enjoy

sex with Jamie. Without realizing it at the time, my problem all along had been due to issues

with my father; and, once I had that marriage certificate in hand, the fear of my dad and the

anxiety were gone.

Normal life resumes – the romance continues

At the end of the week we headed back to Jamie’s parents’ place at Lake George for the rest

of the summer. There was a small bunkhouse next to the main house where Jamie had always

stayed, and he and I returned there. Jamie got his job back working as an orderly at the local

hospital, and I was free to amuse myself. His mom and one of his sisters were there too, and I

enjoyed their company. I had known them so long that they were like family, that is, family away

from my dad.

Married life suited me. I had the love and support of someone who was unquestionably on my

side. Jamie and I loved to spend time together, enjoying each other’s company. We were in love,

and I felt completely safe!

In the fall, we left Lake George and headed to Rochester, so Jamie could finish his last year of

college. I stopped going to school fulltime and found a day job at the library on the University of

Rochester campus. From there I followed Jamie to graduate school in Maryland and tried a

couple of jobs that were non-starters before I ended up working at the American Geophysical

Union in Washington, D.C. I worked in the publications office, mainly doing proofreading.

Our romance and being married was wonderful.

Published by Susan on August 21, 2021August 21, 2021